COVID-19 Quarantine – Week 3

Being confined to one’s home still holds a lot of emotional weight. The biggest thing is that this can’t be blamed on anyone so there is no one to be mad at. And it’s in everyone’s best interest to stay inside anyways.

I’ve been finding myself in a bit of self-pity surrounding yoga teacher training. I had been looking forward to this for so long and I feel like I can’t fully enjoy it and realize that for whatever reason this is the way it is supposed to be. Kelsey and Nicki keep saying maybe we all needed this. Maybe it’s good that we have this going on during the quarantine, maybe that was the point.

This whole thing is making me re-evaluate our relationships with technology. Is it good? Is it bad? Does it depend on how you use it? How open and free do we really need to be with the outside world? Why share your truth so broadly when it can help just those around you? Do I need a huge online following and a whole community with complex marketing like that of Yoga Girl, Journey Junkie, and Sahara Rose? Or can I just make meditation videos and teach a few classes a week plus yoga workshops and retreats?

Monday, March 30, 2020 – Quarantine Day 13

This is beginning to feel surreal. I’m noticing if I just stay away from the news it feels almost stranger. It’s like, wait. Why aren’t I going anywhere? What am I still doing here at home? Why did I choose the work from home life? Do I really want to be at home? I’m not so sure anymore. I want to hug people. I want to hear their laughter. I want to see their smiles.

Wednesday, April 1, 2020 – Quarantine Day 15

Well I had a meltdown last night. It was probably building up and then Kirk’s lack of actions surrounding chores (my perception) kicked it off. I’m feeling an acceptance right now but I don’t want to dwell in it either because “this too shall pass.” I was reading the yoga sutras this morning and sutra 2:1 is referencing the tapayas, and how we should joyfully accept pain as it allows us to grow and practice these principles. Then it referenced ishvara pranidhana, which means acceptance. Which is a constant roller coaster but I have to not just accept the situation as it is but accept the roller coaster that comes with it.

Thursday, April 2, 2020 – Day 16

Day 16 of quarantine. It’s starting to feel like Groundhog Day. Every day I wake up with a slight sense of doom. Like the world is truly ending. I can’t really wrap my head around if my feelings are an extension of anxiety or of trauma response and grief because everyone is feeling this way. How I feel about how I feel is changing hour by hour. There are so many things to consider.

Mama Gaia is quite literally healing herself. This forced the shutdown of so many man-made things – factories, mining, etc. Pollution is clearing, water is clearer, animals are coming back to places they have left. People are sitting at home wondering if they should keep that job they hate or if they should go get an “essential” job. Or start a business. Or if none of that matters, and they should worry about slowing down. More yoga and meditation. More cooking at home. Grow a vegetable garden. Become more sustainable and self-sustaining. Is it making people look to God and thanking him for what they’ve not been paying attention to or hating God because it’s happening? So much to consider…

Friday, April 3, 2020 – Day 17

Everyone’s days of when they started quarantine are different. In Nevada, it officially started on March 17th. Crazy to think we were at a funeral with 200 people two days before that. It was so great to celebrate Tony’s life, but I was definitely in fear about traveling with everything being like it is.

The whole ordeal for us really started the Friday before that. My parents were visiting, but they left early because they had to drive back home to Georgia. The feeling was indescribable. Something like helplessness. Primal instinctual, fear. Kirk and I even came up with a whole end of the world plan on the way home from the funeral just in case.

He said the sweetest thing the other night, which we often say to one another, “you’re my favorite” but this time he said “you’re my favorite, even when you’re a grumpalufugus.” I, like many, have found my anxiety ramping up. When it peaks, I have outbursts and things that are small push me to the edge. I have taken this out on Kirk a couple of times, and he is always so patient. One night we talked out some of my frustrations, and he just sat with me while I cried in bed. It’s our one-year anniversary soon, and his birthday. I’m not sure what we’re going to do yet. We talked about a pool day if the weather is nicer dressing up and making dinner. We’ll see!

Saturday, April 4th 2020 – Day 19

I should probably write these at night because I always feel grateful joyful and happy in the morning. Because nothing has happened yet! Was also reminded by you that I might be PMSing which is totally the case. I forgot how crazy that can still make me. I’m definitely still an emotional roller coaster. Everything seems to change day by day. But it’s all thoughts. And this is the time to put to test all I have learned in practice and meditation. How do I not let the outsides affect my mind? It seemed like a good idea at the time, when it was my idea, but to be forced alone without choice… I have now challenged myself beyond measure. I find myself in the house enjoying different rooms but not enough to be motivated to clean or do projects.

I’m really beginning to settle into the fact that my body is my home in this life. My body and mind, and they give me a ride to my soul, who is first in there. She is laughing at me, even now, at my mind trying to figure this all out. It’s un-figureoutable.

Acceptance only.

Acceptance.